


200 Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts.

by ChangingbacktoBellamort500



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Funny, Gen, Gryffindor, Hogwarts, Hufflepuff, Humour, I REGRET NOTHING, Ravenclaw, Slytherin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-11 05:32:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 4,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5615707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChangingbacktoBellamort500/pseuds/ChangingbacktoBellamort500
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things I am no longer allowed to do at Hogwarts.</p><p>Disclaimer I do not own Harry Potter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Everyone who likes to laugh](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Everyone+who+likes+to+laugh).



1\. I am not allowed to put glitter on the Sorting Hat even if the hat wants me to.

2\. I am not allowed to tell any Professor they are a "Moron who isn't fit to tie my shoelaces let alone teach. 

3\. I am not allowed to shave off Harry's hair while he sleeps then sell his hair to the highest bidder.

3a. Protesting that, I was selling his hair to raise money to buy a Dragon is frowned upon and will result in more detentions.

4\. I am not allowed to make jokes about how closely related Purebloods are.

5\. I cannot leave class because I think my pet chicken has escaped from my dorm. 

5a. Not allowed to have a pet chicken at Hogwarts. 

5b. I'll keep a Turkey at Hogwarts instead. 

5c. Professor McGonagall says I can't have a Turkey at Hogwarts either. 

6\. Professor Snape does not want Dumbledore to hug him every morning and I am to stop saying he does. 

7\. Dumbledore does not have a Garden Gnome hiding in his beard. 

8\. Not allowed to write to anyone who works for the Ministry to find out if they are all idiots. 

9\. I will not call any student a "Wannabe Death Eater with daddy issues".

10\. Not allowed to try and bribe a Prefect with three chocolate frogs and a piece of chewing gum so they will not tell Professor McGonagall I was trying to break into her classroom. 

10a. Not allowed to break into Professor McGonagall's classroom. 

10b. When bribery doesn't work I am not allowed to threaten a Prefect. 

 

10c. I am not allowed to carry out that threat.

11\. Professor Sprout does not appreciate me charming her hair green.

12\. Professor Flitwick will not pretend to be Yoda no matter how many times I beg. 

13\. I must immediately stop telling people that Professor Snape is Harry's father because he isn't. 

14\. A Potions lesson isn't the place to tell a dirty joke I heard from the Weasley twins. 

15\. The Weasley twins are not Prankster Gods.

16\. Not allowed to draw moustaches on students sleeping in History of Magic. 

16a. Or write rude words on their foreheads.

17\. Peeves is not a Professor and cannot order me to bite anyone.


	2. Chapter 2

18\. I will not feed First years anything I can find with a load of sugar in just to see what happens when they're really hyper.

19\. I am not allowed to bug Hermione Granger when she's studying. 

19a. No one cares if it's my favourite thing to do in the whole world. 

20\. Halloween is not known as "Something terrible is going to happen and it will be linked to Harry almost dying at the end of the year" day. 

21\. Drawing a picture of a House Elf and Goblin fighting over a mouldy apple will not be accepted as an essay for Potions. 

22\. I am not allowed to bribe a second year Hufflepuff to cry really loudly to create a distraction.

23\. Never again will I order any House Elves drink so much coffee they are literally bouncing off the walls. 

24\. Not allowed to mock Voldemort or his Death Eaters. 

24a. Especially if they're already trying to kill me.

25\. I will not buy a really creepy doll and charm it to attack anyone I dislike. 

26\. I cannot kidnap any Pureblood student, leave Hogwarts, take them to my house and make them watch Star Wars.

26a. It will not solve all the problems in the Wizarding World. 

26b. It will get me detention. 

27\. The Weasley twins are not the best of role models, but they are the most awesome. 

28\. I am not allowed to steal Harry's broom and sell it to a Muggle then frame Blaise Zabini for doing it.


	3. Chapter 3

29\. I am not allowed to release a thousand Garden Gnomes that I taught to swear words too in the Great Hall. 

29a. It doesn't mean I can release Garden Gnomes I haven't taught to swear in the Great Hall either. 

30\. I cannot leave Hogwarts to break into the Dursleys house.

30a. I am not allowed to steal things that belong to them, then take pictures of those things all over Hogwarts, send them the pictures of their belongings.

30b. Even Harry thinks it's funny. 

31\. Just because Dumbledore laughs about something I have done it doesn't mean I won't get detention. 

32\. Not allowed to shout "Run" Just to see how many people will start running. 

33\. It is not my right to stop others from learning and I must stop doing so immediately. 

34\. I will not whisper, "You're next" in Draco Malfoy's ear.

34a. I am not allowed to whisper anything to Draco Malfoy. 

34b. I cannot pay others to whisper anything in his ear.

35\. I will not encourage First Years to copy everything I do.

 

36\. Never dare anyone in Gryffindor to do anything because they will always do the dare no matter how dangerous or ridiculous it is. 

37\. Punching Goblins in the face is frowned upon.

38\. Unicorns are not ponies.

39\. I will not make Professor Snape explain where babies come from.

40\. I am not allowed to put glitter on everything and everyone. 

40a. It will not create unity between the four houses.

40b. Yes, the Professors do know that for sure.

41\. I am not allowed to look at any student then chuckle evilly ever again. 

42\. Professor McGonagall doesn't want to steal my cat.

42a. My cat did not tell me that Professor McGonagall tried to steal him.

42b. I cannot ask, "Are you calling my precious a liar?" every few seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So should I mark this as complete or continue with it? Please let me know.


	4. Chapter 4

43\. I am not allowed to go around telling people that a Demon stole Professor Snape's sense of humour. 

44\. Playing Quidditch naked at Hogwarts is forbidden. 

45\. Sirius Black is not allowed to become my tutor in mayhem. 

45a. I will not mention Sirius in front of the Ministry or reporters for the Daily Prophet. 

46\. I don't have the power to throw anyone in Azkaban. 

46a. Eating the last piece of bacon does warrant anyone going to Azkaban. 

47\. I will not get House Elves drunk.

48\. When a Professor asks "Why are you wearing that ridiculous hat?", I will not reply with "Godric Gryffindor made me wear it so shut up and eat a cauldron". 

49\. Dumbledore doesn't care what I was planning to use three block cheese, five shoes, glitter and a Canoe for I am not getting these items back.

50\. Harry Potter doesn't have the power to turn my enemies into statues and I must stop saying he does. 

51\. I cannot reenact anything from Lord of the Rings or the Hobbit in the Great Hall. 

52\. House Elves are not Smurfs.

52a. Painting them blue doesn't make them Smurfs. 

53\. Professor Snape is not secretly a woman named Hilda.

53a. Professor Flitwick never told me that Professor Snape is a woman. 

54\. My cat cannot go to my classes for me.

55\. I did know it was against the rules to set fire to my school books and must stop pretending I didn't. 

56\. I will not tell the new D.A.D.A Professor they are doomed.

56a. I am to stop asking if they are working for Voldemort or if they are really Voldemort. 

56b. I am not allowed to promise to give them a lovely funeral.

57\. I am not allowed to sign my homework as Benjamin Goblin House Elf Unicorn.

57a. I will not make others sign their homework as Benjamin Goblin House Elf Unicorn.


	5. Chapter 5

58\. I do not own Hogwarts, therefore, I can not sell it to Russian Mobsters. 

59\. I do not need to create mass panic just because Dumbledore has a cold.

59a. I am not allowed to create mass panic just because I am bored.

60\. I will not shred my homework and send it to the Dursleys for Christmas. 

61\. I am not allowed within ten feet of the Minster of Magic. 

61a. Using the excuse "Well, in my defence, I didn't know he would fall down that hole" will not get me out of trouble. 

62\. I am not allowed to act shocked that Professor McGonagall took away my water gun.

63\. Owls deliver the post, flamingos do not. 

64\. Writing to Arthur Weasley telling him that Ginny is dating Draco Malfoy is both wrong and a lie.

65\. There is no such thing as "Punch A Malfoy Day".

65a. The time Hermione punched Draco will not become a day celebrated worldwide.

66\. I cannot sell my common sense for a chocolate frog nor my sanity for some chewing gum. 

67\. I will stop telling First years they have to duel Snape every full moon or Dumbledore will die. 

68\. I am not allowed to start rumours just to see how quickly they get spread around Hogwarts. 

68a. Pointing out that it isn't my fault that a lot of people choose to believe that there was a Fifth Founder called Herbert Lemon and Harry is his last living heir, will not stop Harry glaring at me.

69\. Charms is not the place to play poker. 

70\. I will not wake the whole school up at three am just to say that I lost a sock. 

\----------*****---''---''--'

These rules belong to RayningRoses and will be known as Bonus Rules.

1) Turn Bertie Botts into little BB-8 characters that make people slip down the moving staircases.

1.a) Turn Dumbledore's lemon drops into C3POs into sword weilding ankle biters 

1.b) Turn Fizzy Wizzys into R2D2s that have laser vision that only harms Slytherin. 

2) Yell Abracadabra (the muggle words, not avada kedavra) in the middle of OWL/NEWT tests, while doing my impression of Bellatrix.

2.a) Use Voldemort's voice  

2.b) Use any voice 

2.c) Use magical writing that hovers over peoples heads, sign language, or any other way I can think up 

3) Find out if there's such a thing as elves that poop Skittles. Give them pumpkin juice laced with a laxative potion to find out.

 3.a) Does Snape really vomit rainbows? Experiment time!


	6. Chapter 6

71\. I am not allowed to hold a fundraiser to pay for the damage caused by a prank I haven't done yet.

71a. I am not allowed to do that prank.

72\. I will not put ink on bare feet and walk exactly where Filch just cleaned.

73\. The reason I am the first person asked why there is a Unicorn in my dorm room is because I was seen by several people taking it there. 

73a. I cannot hex any of those who told the Professor about the Unicorn.

73b. I will not tell my dorm mates "Sleep with one eye open".

74\. Umbridge does not have a house made out of sweets nor does she eat children. 

74a. I disagree with 74.

75\. I am not allowed to replace all the books in the library with a book about cheese written by me.

75a. I cannot use Library books to build a Fort in the Great Hall. 

75b. I cannot use Library books to build a Fort anywhere. 

76\. Professor Snape is never to be addressed as "Professor Pickles" or "Buddy".

77\. I cannot put down Dobby as my emergency contact. 

78\. There is not a laser shooting robot in the Ravenclaw common room.

79\. Lucius Malfoy did not tell me to leave class to check on my pet Ostrich. 

79a. I should not have an Ostrich at Hogwarts. 

79b. No one cares that he is my best friend and my partner in pranking. 

80\. Just because Professor Snape doesn't want me putting Garlic all over his classroom doesn't mean he's a Vampire. 

81\. Gluing students brooms to the wall will not be considered art, especially if it's an hour before a Quidditch match. 

82\. There is not any treasure at the bottom of the Black Lake, and I am to stop telling First Years there is.

83\. Neville Longbottom is not going to one day be a Dark Lord. 

84\. I am not allowed to go on a field trip to the Forbidden Forest. 

84a. I will not take other students with me.

84b. Pointing out that the Professors wouldn't even know if that blabbermouth second year Slytherin hadn't ratted me out to Professor Snape will not get me out trouble. 

85\. I will not give a copy of these rules to everyone and encourage them to break them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am thinking of changing the title from 200 to 550+


	7. Chapter 7

86\. I am not allowed to build a pirate ship in the Great Hall. 

86a. I will return the parrot from wherever I got it from. 

86b. No, it is not impressive that I taught it to swear in four different languages in less than twenty-four hours. 

87\. I am not allowed to hug Snape and say "Everything is going to be okay because I am here for you buddy,".

87a. Not allowed to hug Snape ever again.

88\. Charlie Weasley will not send me a Dragon but he will name a newly hatched Dragon Smaug.

89\. No Professor at Hogwarts is out to make my life a misery, it's just a happy coincidence.

90\. Helga Hufflepuff did not bury a golden badger somewhere underneath the Quidditch pitch which meant I spent hours digging for nothing. 

91\. I am not allowed to change my name to Queen Apple Ninja Badger. 

91a. I am not allowed to legally change Snape's name to Mandy just so I can bribe a load of students to sing Mandy to him.

91b. I am not allowed to change anyone's name.

92\. Trying to blame Ron Weasley for throwing a water balloon filled with watered down Mayo at Professor Sprout was wrong and stupid. Mainly stupid because Ron was in the hospital wing and lots of people saw me do it.

92a. I am not allowed to blame Ron for things I have done. 

92b. I am not allowed to throw water balloons at anyone. 

92c. I cannot completely ignore these rules and do the same thing two days later.

92d. I was not possessed by the ghost of Salazar Slytherin at the time.

93\. I am not allowed to put the image of Voldemort dancing naked in Harry's head.

93a. Or Snape's

93b. Or anyone else's. 

93c. I will never again mention Voldemort dancing naked again. 

94\. I am not allowed to put sand in the Slytherin common room. 

94a. Not allowed to put feathers and glue all over the Hufflepuff common room. 

95\. If I see an angry looking Snape I am to walk away immediately and I am not to bug him to see if I can make him majorly flip out. 

96\. I cannot sue Professor McGonagall because she refused to read my cat a bedtime story fifty years before my cat was even born.

96a. A sock puppet is not my lawyer. 

97\. There will be questions asked when Elephant is found wandering the Forbidden Forest. 

98\. Hogwarts motto has never been "if at first you don't succeed "Become a Dark Lord, get minions and make them do everything for you".

99\. Never again will I write home to the parents of Muggleborn students telling them that their child is now a vengeful God called Bob.

100\. Hogwarts wouldn't be better if I was in charge.


	8. Chapter 8

101\. I am not allowed to kidnap Crookshanks and refuse to give him back until Hermione does my homework.

101a. I must do my own homework. 

101b. A pineapple wearing sunglasses is not homework.

102\. Every day is not my birthday and the Professors do not have to give me presents.

103\. I cannot demand that Professor Flitwick, tell me a story about fish instead of teaching. 

104\. Professor McGonagall is not an international jewel thief and she knows it was me who told everyone she was.

105\. Professor McGonagall is not fond of the nickname Minnie. 

106\. I am not allowed to create a spell to turn Hogwarts into a Jungle.

106a. I am not allowed to use that spell.

106b. I am not allowed to teach others that spell.

107\. Not allowed to juggle coconuts in History of Magic. 

108\. Not allowed to turn up to Care of Magical Creatures dressed up as a Duck.

109\. I cannot go on a quest to Mordor.

110\. The Easter Bunny did not tell the House Elves in the kitchen to serve sand for dinner. 

110a. Everyone knows it was me.

110b. The false moustache I wore was a rubbish disguise. 

111\. I am not allowed to push Harry into a crowd of angry Slytherins who after me because I insulted their favourite Quidditch teams.

111a. You can insult someone's house, family, blood status but never their Quidditch team. 

112\. Shouting "I AM SORRY!" at the top of my voice while everyone is eating lunch will not make Harry forgive me.

113\. An empty box is not my sidekick. 

113a. I am not a superhero. 

114\. I will not give Professor Snape a plant that needs watering every ten minutes and needs goat's blood once a week to live.

115\. The Gryffindor table is not my bed and I cannot sleep on it while people trying to eat.

115a. Same goes for the Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin table. 

116\. I cannot call Draco a "Lying little ferret" even if he is one 

117\. Dumbledore does not want me to give him a daily dose of reality.

118\. It is not helpful, pointing out that if we had called Dumbledore's Army, Sparkly Unicorn Ninja Owls like I wanted to then a lot of problems could have been avoided. 

119\. I am not allowed to have a tea party on the roof of Hogwarts. 

120\. I cannot hex someone just because they refuse to shut up. 

121\. I cannot pretend that pumpkin juice is a Potion that will make the drinker invisible. 

122\. Getting Peeves to cause mayhem so I could sneak into Professor Snape's classroom and put pictures of Lockhart all over his classroom was funny, but wrong. 

123\. Writing to Death Eaters is not seen as a healthy hobby and I must stop doing so immediately. 

124\. As of now any student attending Hogwarts is forbidden to hold fundraisers to raise money for Voldemort to buy a Pony.

124a. Voldemort does not need the money. 

124b. He does not want a Pony.

124c. Yes the Professors are certain about that.

125\. This is an apology: "I am sorry and it will never happen again,". 

This is not an apology: "My only real regret is that I was caught".

126\. I am not allowed to wake Hermione up just to ask "Do you think Dumbledore would get upset if I asked if his beard is false?".

127\. Filch does not change into a turtle every Friday night and no one knows where I possibly got the idea that he does.

128\. Not allowed to leave class to play hide and seek with a rock. 

129\. I will not pay a group of second years to follow Professor Snape around all day.

130\. I must stop telling people that they're doomed


	9. Chapter 9

131\. No one appreciates the time and effort it took to cover the Great Hall in toothpaste. 

131a. Not allowed to cover the Great Hall in toothpaste. 

131b. Not allowed to rant about how much toothpaste I needed to use or how much it cost me.

132\. I am not allowed to test any Potions brewed randomly by the Weasley twins. 

133\. If I put as much effort into my school work as I do causing trouble the Professors would be very happy. 

134\. Not allowed to build a roller coaster out of cheese.

135\. Sometimes honesty is not the best policy. An example of that would be when I told Umbridge what I really thought about her.

136\. Not allowed to threaten to throw an apple at a Dementor.

137\. Not allowed to start giggling for no reason during Potions. 

138\. Dumbledore is pretty sure that I am not going to be killed by a Unicorn.

139\. I cannot leave Hogwarts to help Sirius Black track down Peter Pettigrew.

139a. Not allowed to traumatise First years by describing in graphic details about what Sirius plans to do to Peter Pettigrew once he gets catches up with him.

140\. A psychic duck did not make me break into Professor McGonagall's classroom and leave a tin of tuna, a saucer of milk and some catnip on her desk.

140a. I have never met a psychic duck and even if I do one day it is not the boss of me.

140b. Blaise Zabini is neither a duck or psychic. 

141\. Annoying Blaise Zabini is not my new favourite thing in the world. 

142\. "Get over it," is not a proper apology.


	10. Chapter 10

143\. Anything that results in Aurors turning up at Hogwarts is strictly forbidden. 

144\. Fawkes is not a budgie.

144a. He is not a canary. 

144b. He is not secretly Voldemort. 

145\. I must stop threatening to join Voldemort every time I get detention. 

146\. I do not need to scream every time I see Nearly Headless Nick. 

146a. It is annoying not funny. 

147\. Professor Snape's face won't crack into a thousand pieces if he one day smiles. 

148\. Not allowed to charm every sink at Hogwarts to spurt water in people's faces. 

148a. Not allowed to charm the toilets to flood.

149\. Not allowed to say "Follow me and I will give you chocolate,". 

150\. Trelawney did not predict Dumbledore would one day get eaten by a Dragon. 

150a. I can't bribe her to predict this. 

151\. Not allowed to sing "Sorry Seems to be the Hardest word" after I accidentally tore one of Hermione's books.

152\. Hogwarts is not a country and even if it was I couldn't declare war against the Goblins. 

153\. Centaurs did not break into Hogwarts and steal my homework, I must immediately stop claiming they did. 

154\. No one cares, why I am rolling skating through Hogwarts screaming "He stole my precious". 

155\. Not allowed to blow up the Slytherin common room because they said something mean about my cat. 

155a. I cannot blow up the Slytherin common room for the hell of it.

155b. I will not bribe or threaten Seamus into helping me blow up the Slytherin common room. 

156\. Professor McGonagall doesn't want to know my entire life story. 

157\. I probably shouldn't have said that Lucius Malfoy was a puppet who can't even pick his nose without permission from Voldemort. 

158\. There is not a secret temple buried underneath the Great Hall.


	11. Chapter 11

159\. Not allowed to tie dye my school robes to make myself stand out from the crowd. 

160\. The Professors are not trying to turn us all into brainless sheep.

160a. Umbridge definitely is.

161\. I cannot dye my hair so I look like a Weasley. 

161a. I cannot put on a blonde wig and pretend to be Lucius Malfoy's love child. 

162\. I will not cause a food fight in the Great Hall just because I am bored.

162\. Not allowed to start a food fight anywhere at Hogwarts whether I am bored or not. 

163\. I am to act like a perfect angel during a surprise visit from the school governors. 

164\. I do not have the authority to contact other schools and must stop.

164a. The same goes for Muggle schools. 

165\. I cannot leave class unless it's an emergency. 

165a. Wanting to burst into Professor McGonagall's classroom while she's teaching a group of second years is not an emergency.

166\. Not allowed to tell Draco "Your Father is more hotter than he is scary,".

167\. I am not allowed to point at random Pureblood Slytherin students and say they are proof as to why interbreeding is wrong. 

168\. I will not ask Blaise Zabini if the rumours about his mother are true.

169\. I will not put any student in danger so I can save their life so they will owe me a life debt.

169a. It is not the perfect solution to peace in the Wizarding World. 

170\. I will immediately cease following Snape around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Only 30 more rules to go. I was wondering of anyone was interested in reading a story about these rules in action and which rules specifically.


	12. Chapter 12

171\. If I am going to lie to a Professor I should at least try to make the lie semi convincing. 

172\. I will not start an anti Pureblood group just to see how they like it. 

173\. I will not inform Lucius Malfoy that I hit his son ten minutes before I've actually done it and then claim it was to save Draco the effort. 

173a. I am not allowed to hit Draco. 

174\. The Professors are at Hogwarts to teach they are not there for my amusement. 

175\. I will not blurt out bizarre statements. 

175a. Professor Snape isn't dating a Dinosaur named Henry.

176\. I will not ask anyone what their problem is. 

177\. When asked "What are you doing?," I will not reply "How should I know". 

178\. I will not give anyone advice because I somehow always make matters worse. 

 

179\. I am not allowed to practice my evil laugh when people are trying to sleep. 

180\. I am not allowed to contact Alastor Moody unless I have important information about Death Eaters. 

180a. Finding out how Lucius Malfoy gets his hair so shiny is not important information. 

181\. Not allowed to ride a bicycle around the Great Hall. 

181a. Not allowed to pretend that if I don't the world will end.

182\. I will not call any member of the Weasley family a "Ginger Ninja". 

183\. Not allowed to dress up as the Grim Reaper and say "I am here for the one named Dumbledore,".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sequel to this is called The Crazy World of Alice Taylor and will be posted any moment now.


	13. Chapter 13

184\. Not allowed to have Crocodiles at Hogwarts. 

185\. Not allowed to tell Percy his head looks like a potato. 

186\. Not allowed to try to lead a rebellion. 

186a. The revolution isn't now.

187\. Not allowed to pretend to be God for an afternoon. 

188\. The Ministry isn't to blame for everything just nearly everything.


End file.
